Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
