bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
