I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hell yes lets make some ravioli
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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