hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
