also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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