I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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