I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
