I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
