Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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