Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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