That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
