I'm gonna have a badass scar
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
