when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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