is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
