Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
