if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
