i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
