my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
