every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
