now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
