my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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