he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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