Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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