I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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