sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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