Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
