uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
