no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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