You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
