If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
