we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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