So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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