Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
