It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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