I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
