I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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