if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Come back. Shots need mouths.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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