I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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