if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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