Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
