I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
