Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My vagina just clenched in fear
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
