I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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