just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
