toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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