I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
