Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
