Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
