Im at strip club and am horny
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you had me at cake vodka
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
