I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
