DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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