Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
