woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
